I wonder if this day will ever get any easier. When I don't feel the need to find some time by myself where I can dissolve into a puddle of tears. When I don't curse him for leaving me, for leaving us. When I can stop reliving that night like it happened yesterday. Three years my love and not a day has gone by when I don't think of you.
This photo is a scan of a wood print that a very dear friend of ours made of Jean-Luc. I think he totally captured Jean-Luc. I absolutely love it and I hope Cornelius doesn't mind me sharing it on my blog.
This morning I woke to the most beautiful day. Yesterday it poured rain the whole day. We were at Les Saisies to ski but changed our minds and came home. Last night around midnight I opened my eyes and there was a flash of lightening, immediately followed by thunder and then the wind started. I would have never guessed that we would awake to the most beautiful morning of sunshine and fresh snow. Mother Nature is most amazing. We went for a walk and I snapped over 150 photographs. I felt so incredibly alive. The day was filled with friends and laughter but as the day wore on though I realized I couldn't/shouldn't keep my emotions buried. I suppose in a way today was like the day before Jean-Luc died. We were so full of life, so looking forward to what the future held for us.
The following is the blog I started writing on January 1st but got sidetracked before finishing it.
Look out, 2014, here I come!!! I've never really put much into the new year - really why is January 1st any different from November 1st or the 15th for that matter. And resolutions - aren't they just a set up for disappointment. But this morning I woke up feeling different. I felt full of hope and excitement for a new year. I felt that today, something was different. I didn't feel guilty that I wasn't working. I am working. I am working at living life to the fullest. I am working at living my life with compassion for others and myself. I am working at finding a way that I can give back to people for all that I have been given. And sometimes I'm working at washing dishes at a local restaurant. :)
This morning a friend called to invite Judy and I for a Polar Bear plunge in Lac Annecy, I thought, yeah let's do it. Judy was hesitating a bit but I said "Come on, it's crazy! Let's start this year by doing something crazy and fun and hope the rest of the year brings the same!" So off we went. Oooh la la it was cold but I felt so invigorated afterwards. There were lots of people doing the same. We thought we were good until we watched a crazy group who went in multiple times, dove off the dock, slid down the slide - we just dunked, took the obligatory photo and got out!
So here I am now, Sunday night. The house is quiet. Judy and Serge are out at a friends for a visit. I begged off to have some quiet time. I am reading messages from friends and family who are also thinking of us. I want to share this email from a friend that I received today as it speaks volumes.
My dear Karen, I have been thinking about you and Jean Luc the last few days as the anniversary of his death approaches, I've also been thinking of others in my life who have died. I wake in the wee hours of the morning and lie in bed looking out upon the stars, I get just a small slice of the night sky and it's been clear the last couple mornings so there are a few bright stars winking in the night. It's very peaceful to lie here and contemplate the people I have loved who have walked on, I find I often wake up around 3-4 a.m., I am beginning to think that it must be the train that wakes me because it seems most mornings that I am awake at that time a train is passing through. It is quiet, usually no traffic at all and I don't mind the sound of the train, I find it quite peaceful and a deep contentment fills me, I'm not sure why, the whistle blowing, the grinding and squealing of the brakes, the clack of wheel on rail, it all speaks of journeys and travel and adventure into the unknown. And in the quiet aftermath of the train passing through sometimes I hear an owl hooting or a coyote howl. Occasionally I hear footsteps out my window, I've jumped up as quietly as I could to see what it is, probably a raccoon but I suspect by the time I hear it, it's gone or maybe that it hears me get up. So far I haven't spied it.
It is a good time to contemplate, in the deep quiet of early morning. So the last few mornings I'm musing on people I've known well who've died, because I have been thinking about JL it prompted me thinking about others. And I wanted to send this note to you because I know what a difficult time this can be and the sense of loss comes to the surface, even though the grieving seems to ease over time, there are moments when it hits one and it feels fresh and painful.
A memory that always comes to mind when I think of JL - Diana Island and stalking the crab, oh I can see it in my mind so clearly, JL buck naked with only his paddling boots on, paddle in hand, quiet, patient, moving slow, determined.... so determined, how many times did we tease and harass him and tell him to give it up? It was a sunny day, I seem to remember the tide low and slowly coming in because I'm sure by the time he finally caught that crab, the water was very high and he was very cold. And the sweet victory!!! A crab at last. This to me is such a picture of the JL I knew. The image reminds me of a heron, so still and patient by the water's edge and when on the hunt moving so slowly as to be almost not moving.
I loved JL for how he cherished you, loved you and provided a space for you to open up in a way that you hadn't before, for your good qualities to shine brighter. However he was a bit prickly :) and had a bit of the curmudgeon about him and there was a restlessness in him, I sensed a reserve in him, a guardedness that for me, kept me from getting to really know him. And I knew he had a soft spot, a loving and kind heart, a generousity of spirit and that he cherished you deeply and so prickly or not, he was my friend. I knew that you had found someone who would love you and treat you well always.
It was so lovely to see you both on your way through to buy your boat, there was a quality about both of you that I had not seen before, the night we had dinner here with Fiona and Tim and Sarah. And how Tim & JL just hung out in the kitchen with me, wanting to help and chatting, I don't think JL had ever done that in my house, he was so relaxed and had softened in some way. And then all of us around the table, it was a happy dinner that one. I was sad to see you go.
And then Bainbridge Island and the boat - this is when I knew that you and JL were on the journey you were meant to be on. I saw in both of you a change that really spoke to me of how deeply you loved each other, how much your dream was an equally held dream and how your relationship had deepened and broadened. You both glowed with such radiant happiness, it was so affirming for me to see you like that. And for me what I sensed there is that JL had shifted in a profound way, the prickliness was gone, there was only curiousity and interest and a deep contentment that I had not seen in him before. He had opened up in the way I had seen you open up as you spent more time with him - he had let his guard down. Seeing you there together on your boat was something special for me. And I am grateful that I saw this transformation of both JL and you, this quality of lightness and joy and happiness, it reaffirmed my feeling that you and he were meant for each other, that you brought out the best of each other more often than not and that you were on the journey you were meant to be on.
I wanted you to know that I think of JL and remember him with love in my heart, that I regret his passing deeply for the loss of a friend who I was just getting to know and I am grateful that I saw him when he was in the happiest place he could be, on that boat going on a journey with the love of his life at his side. And that my heart breaks when I think of the loss that you have experienced, the tears come readily as I write, I will never forget your voice on the phone that morning, that will always be the sound of grief for me.
And my admiration for you grows with every passing day for the way you have taken this devastating loss and become stronger and that you have not given way to bitterness and anger but have grown in love and compassion. I know that it doesn't always feel that way yet that is what I see happening in you - growing stronger and more resilient, more loving and compassionate, more generous and kind. The sad moments will always come yet alongside them is the gratitude for having loved deeply.
It is my belief that the ones we love who have died are still with us, that we are made up of energy and that energy does not disappear even though the vessel that is our body transforms into another form. The energy that is our spirit still is part of the universe and is with us. And every time I think of that person and hold them in my heart they are with me and even when I don't think of them consciously they are still with me. Just as those who are far away are still with me in my heart. This gives me comfort and solace when I feel the sadness come.
May you be happy. May you be free from suffering. May you experience joy. May you dwell in equanimity.
Take care, my friend, I am thinking of you and JL with love in my heart,
blessings and love, t.
I am so blessed to have my family and friends, with you I can get through anything. It is so wonderful how that circle of friends continues to grow. I know Jean-Luc will always be with me but oh how I would love to hold him just one more time. Thank you all for the love and support you give me every day. Here's to a wonderful new year!!
This photo is a scan of a wood print that a very dear friend of ours made of Jean-Luc. I think he totally captured Jean-Luc. I absolutely love it and I hope Cornelius doesn't mind me sharing it on my blog.
This morning I woke to the most beautiful day. Yesterday it poured rain the whole day. We were at Les Saisies to ski but changed our minds and came home. Last night around midnight I opened my eyes and there was a flash of lightening, immediately followed by thunder and then the wind started. I would have never guessed that we would awake to the most beautiful morning of sunshine and fresh snow. Mother Nature is most amazing. We went for a walk and I snapped over 150 photographs. I felt so incredibly alive. The day was filled with friends and laughter but as the day wore on though I realized I couldn't/shouldn't keep my emotions buried. I suppose in a way today was like the day before Jean-Luc died. We were so full of life, so looking forward to what the future held for us.
The following is the blog I started writing on January 1st but got sidetracked before finishing it.
Look out, 2014, here I come!!! I've never really put much into the new year - really why is January 1st any different from November 1st or the 15th for that matter. And resolutions - aren't they just a set up for disappointment. But this morning I woke up feeling different. I felt full of hope and excitement for a new year. I felt that today, something was different. I didn't feel guilty that I wasn't working. I am working. I am working at living life to the fullest. I am working at living my life with compassion for others and myself. I am working at finding a way that I can give back to people for all that I have been given. And sometimes I'm working at washing dishes at a local restaurant. :)
This morning a friend called to invite Judy and I for a Polar Bear plunge in Lac Annecy, I thought, yeah let's do it. Judy was hesitating a bit but I said "Come on, it's crazy! Let's start this year by doing something crazy and fun and hope the rest of the year brings the same!" So off we went. Oooh la la it was cold but I felt so invigorated afterwards. There were lots of people doing the same. We thought we were good until we watched a crazy group who went in multiple times, dove off the dock, slid down the slide - we just dunked, took the obligatory photo and got out!
So here I am now, Sunday night. The house is quiet. Judy and Serge are out at a friends for a visit. I begged off to have some quiet time. I am reading messages from friends and family who are also thinking of us. I want to share this email from a friend that I received today as it speaks volumes.
My dear Karen, I have been thinking about you and Jean Luc the last few days as the anniversary of his death approaches, I've also been thinking of others in my life who have died. I wake in the wee hours of the morning and lie in bed looking out upon the stars, I get just a small slice of the night sky and it's been clear the last couple mornings so there are a few bright stars winking in the night. It's very peaceful to lie here and contemplate the people I have loved who have walked on, I find I often wake up around 3-4 a.m., I am beginning to think that it must be the train that wakes me because it seems most mornings that I am awake at that time a train is passing through. It is quiet, usually no traffic at all and I don't mind the sound of the train, I find it quite peaceful and a deep contentment fills me, I'm not sure why, the whistle blowing, the grinding and squealing of the brakes, the clack of wheel on rail, it all speaks of journeys and travel and adventure into the unknown. And in the quiet aftermath of the train passing through sometimes I hear an owl hooting or a coyote howl. Occasionally I hear footsteps out my window, I've jumped up as quietly as I could to see what it is, probably a raccoon but I suspect by the time I hear it, it's gone or maybe that it hears me get up. So far I haven't spied it.
It is a good time to contemplate, in the deep quiet of early morning. So the last few mornings I'm musing on people I've known well who've died, because I have been thinking about JL it prompted me thinking about others. And I wanted to send this note to you because I know what a difficult time this can be and the sense of loss comes to the surface, even though the grieving seems to ease over time, there are moments when it hits one and it feels fresh and painful.
A memory that always comes to mind when I think of JL - Diana Island and stalking the crab, oh I can see it in my mind so clearly, JL buck naked with only his paddling boots on, paddle in hand, quiet, patient, moving slow, determined.... so determined, how many times did we tease and harass him and tell him to give it up? It was a sunny day, I seem to remember the tide low and slowly coming in because I'm sure by the time he finally caught that crab, the water was very high and he was very cold. And the sweet victory!!! A crab at last. This to me is such a picture of the JL I knew. The image reminds me of a heron, so still and patient by the water's edge and when on the hunt moving so slowly as to be almost not moving.
I loved JL for how he cherished you, loved you and provided a space for you to open up in a way that you hadn't before, for your good qualities to shine brighter. However he was a bit prickly :) and had a bit of the curmudgeon about him and there was a restlessness in him, I sensed a reserve in him, a guardedness that for me, kept me from getting to really know him. And I knew he had a soft spot, a loving and kind heart, a generousity of spirit and that he cherished you deeply and so prickly or not, he was my friend. I knew that you had found someone who would love you and treat you well always.
It was so lovely to see you both on your way through to buy your boat, there was a quality about both of you that I had not seen before, the night we had dinner here with Fiona and Tim and Sarah. And how Tim & JL just hung out in the kitchen with me, wanting to help and chatting, I don't think JL had ever done that in my house, he was so relaxed and had softened in some way. And then all of us around the table, it was a happy dinner that one. I was sad to see you go.
And then Bainbridge Island and the boat - this is when I knew that you and JL were on the journey you were meant to be on. I saw in both of you a change that really spoke to me of how deeply you loved each other, how much your dream was an equally held dream and how your relationship had deepened and broadened. You both glowed with such radiant happiness, it was so affirming for me to see you like that. And for me what I sensed there is that JL had shifted in a profound way, the prickliness was gone, there was only curiousity and interest and a deep contentment that I had not seen in him before. He had opened up in the way I had seen you open up as you spent more time with him - he had let his guard down. Seeing you there together on your boat was something special for me. And I am grateful that I saw this transformation of both JL and you, this quality of lightness and joy and happiness, it reaffirmed my feeling that you and he were meant for each other, that you brought out the best of each other more often than not and that you were on the journey you were meant to be on.
I wanted you to know that I think of JL and remember him with love in my heart, that I regret his passing deeply for the loss of a friend who I was just getting to know and I am grateful that I saw him when he was in the happiest place he could be, on that boat going on a journey with the love of his life at his side. And that my heart breaks when I think of the loss that you have experienced, the tears come readily as I write, I will never forget your voice on the phone that morning, that will always be the sound of grief for me.
And my admiration for you grows with every passing day for the way you have taken this devastating loss and become stronger and that you have not given way to bitterness and anger but have grown in love and compassion. I know that it doesn't always feel that way yet that is what I see happening in you - growing stronger and more resilient, more loving and compassionate, more generous and kind. The sad moments will always come yet alongside them is the gratitude for having loved deeply.
It is my belief that the ones we love who have died are still with us, that we are made up of energy and that energy does not disappear even though the vessel that is our body transforms into another form. The energy that is our spirit still is part of the universe and is with us. And every time I think of that person and hold them in my heart they are with me and even when I don't think of them consciously they are still with me. Just as those who are far away are still with me in my heart. This gives me comfort and solace when I feel the sadness come.
May you be happy. May you be free from suffering. May you experience joy. May you dwell in equanimity.
Take care, my friend, I am thinking of you and JL with love in my heart,
blessings and love, t.
I am so blessed to have my family and friends, with you I can get through anything. It is so wonderful how that circle of friends continues to grow. I know Jean-Luc will always be with me but oh how I would love to hold him just one more time. Thank you all for the love and support you give me every day. Here's to a wonderful new year!!