I used to love January. It was a time a new beginnings, new dreams. I used to love planning a big party to celebrate Jean-Luc's birthday. Now however it is a month that I don't look forward to - another year gone without him, another birthday uncelebrated. I recently spent some time with Jean-Luc's family and his mother helped me express what it was I have been feeling. I couldn't understand why this year was so hard. It's been three years, isn't it supposed to be getting easier? She said for her it was as if for the first two years you hang onto that hope that just maybe he will come back. But.... year three, reality starts to set in. He's not coming back. How is it that some people can bounce back, even find a new love by now when I can't seem to let him go? Why would I want to? It's a perfect relationship. I can make it anything I want to. The only problem is I don't have him physically. But hey I suppose I can always buy a Jolly Molly (only those who have seen the movie will get that one). Really though, I know this isn't healthy. I know it's time to let him go but I don't know how to do it and it's scarey.
On the other side, I really do feel quite alive right now. Life really excites me. While in Paris last weekend, I had the fortune of meeting two very creative people, Pascale and Damien Peyret. Just standing in their studio in their Paris appartment, I felt this awakening. I feel like a there is a seed inside me that is busting to germanate and become something bigger.
There is an visualization called The Seed Exercise and it goes as follows.
"Kneel on the ground. Then seat yourself on your heels and bend forward so that your head touches your knees. Stretch your arms behind you. You are now in a fetal position. Relax, releasing all your tensions. Breathe calmly and deeply. Little by little you will perceive that you are a tiny seed, cradled in the comfort of the earth. Everything around you is warm and delicious. You are in a deep, restful sleep. Suddenly, a finger moves. The shoot no longer wants to be a seed; it wants to grow. Slowly you begin to move your arms, and then your body will begin to rise, straightening up until you are seated on your heels. Now you begin to lift your body up, and slowly, slowly you will become erect, still kneeling on the ground. The moment has come to break completely through the earth. You begin to rise slowly, placing one foot on the ground, then the other, fighting against the disequilibrium just as a shoot battles to make its own space, until finally you are standing. Imagine the area about you, the sun, the water, the wind, and the birds. Now you are a shoot that is beginning to grow. Slowly raise your arms toward the sky. Then stretch yourself more and more, more and more, as if you want to grasp the enormous sun that shines above you. Your body begins to become more and more rigid, all of your muscles strain, and you feel yourself to be growing, growing, growing you become huge. The tension increases more and more until it becomes painful, unbearable. When you can no longer stand it, scream and open your eyes. Repeat this exercise for seven consecutive days, always at the same time."
Haven't had an opportunity to practice this one where people didn't think I was crazy when I screamed but it sort describes how I feel. Spring is just around the corner so who knows.
On the other side, I really do feel quite alive right now. Life really excites me. While in Paris last weekend, I had the fortune of meeting two very creative people, Pascale and Damien Peyret. Just standing in their studio in their Paris appartment, I felt this awakening. I feel like a there is a seed inside me that is busting to germanate and become something bigger.
There is an visualization called The Seed Exercise and it goes as follows.
"Kneel on the ground. Then seat yourself on your heels and bend forward so that your head touches your knees. Stretch your arms behind you. You are now in a fetal position. Relax, releasing all your tensions. Breathe calmly and deeply. Little by little you will perceive that you are a tiny seed, cradled in the comfort of the earth. Everything around you is warm and delicious. You are in a deep, restful sleep. Suddenly, a finger moves. The shoot no longer wants to be a seed; it wants to grow. Slowly you begin to move your arms, and then your body will begin to rise, straightening up until you are seated on your heels. Now you begin to lift your body up, and slowly, slowly you will become erect, still kneeling on the ground. The moment has come to break completely through the earth. You begin to rise slowly, placing one foot on the ground, then the other, fighting against the disequilibrium just as a shoot battles to make its own space, until finally you are standing. Imagine the area about you, the sun, the water, the wind, and the birds. Now you are a shoot that is beginning to grow. Slowly raise your arms toward the sky. Then stretch yourself more and more, more and more, as if you want to grasp the enormous sun that shines above you. Your body begins to become more and more rigid, all of your muscles strain, and you feel yourself to be growing, growing, growing you become huge. The tension increases more and more until it becomes painful, unbearable. When you can no longer stand it, scream and open your eyes. Repeat this exercise for seven consecutive days, always at the same time."
Haven't had an opportunity to practice this one where people didn't think I was crazy when I screamed but it sort describes how I feel. Spring is just around the corner so who knows.
The photo is my self portrait at the Pompidou in Paris. Mom, Gerry, Cheryl and Jeff, you may recognize the artist. Same fellow we saw his work on the cruise ship but I've lost his name.