As I got closer and closer to returning to the boat, I starting dragging my feet more and more. I wasn't sure if it was just because I was coming up to the one year anniversary of Jean-Luc's death or if I had made a decision but just wasn't admitting it to myself. After a month in Aurora with my sister and my father, a week in Winnipeg with my mother, a week in Vancouver with friends and a couple of days in Victoria, I finally took the bus to Ladysmith on December 14th. I stopped for a bowl of soup before heading down to the marina - one more delay. And then I walked down to the boat.
A few changes on the docks. The new visitor centre is in place and in the process of being finished. It's going to be beautiful. Andiamo was tucked into a wonderful, protected corner of the marnia - she was so well taken care of while I was away. As I walked down the ramp I realized that it was familiar but there was no excitement of coming "home". I realized, even before I got to the boat, that as much as I love Andiamo, I have to let her go. I think that in order to keep moving forward, I have to move on. I cried for two days. It's a heartbreaking decision to sell her but I think, no, I know it is the right decision. In some ways I feel like I failed. I didn't become the sailor I thought I would be but maybe I will in the future. I just can't do it right now.
So what now you ask? Well..... remember in my previous blog I said don't be surprised if I move to France and open a gite on the pilgrimage route? I think I might just explore that plan. It will be a challenge but I'm excited about the prospect. There is a lot of stuff to figure out before I go but I've already received lots of good advice and suggestions. Even if it doesn't work out, it feels great to have a focus, a goal, a dream of my own.
I can't believe it is coming up to the one year anniversary of the day the bottom dropped out of my world. I'm thinking instead of avoiding the day maybe I'll throw a little party at the marina. Jean-Luc always loved a good party. And speaking of celebrating, I wish you all the best for the holidays.